50 shades of Thick As Pig Shit.

Nah-me mate Shaz is as thick as pigshit-she is in a band with her best mate cum girlfriend-and they call 'emselves Shaz & Mave. Only call 'emselves that to please all 't downsizers-thought they would do some tribute songs-of Chaz & Dave, mek's 'em feel at 'ome like.

They are playin' at local tonite, Ah'm looking forward to it-I reckon it's gunna be a good un. Landlord's even purrin some scran on-jellied 'eels for t' southerners, an tripe n onions for us propa fowk.Thought it might bring t' village together-if you know worr I mean.

She's a bit on t' thick side is Shaz, browt up wi' nowt she wor-still she's tryin 'ard to mek summat of 'er sen.

I said to 'er what do you reckon to 50 shades of grey?'

'What do I want to look at paint chips fer? ' she said.

Thought it wor a Dulux colour chart- daft cow. I ask ya.

50 Shades of muck more Like.

Well ah dern't t no  worr ' orl t' fuss is abaht!  Ah just finished readin 'a' mucky book-an' all ah cah'n sey is' thah's affin' a laff!  Me 'n arr Bert gerr up't sem  thing everee Saturday neite.

Saturday wi goes off ta bingo wi' uz mates, (just afta we finished watchin' Jezzeur omnibus) then arr  Bert sees t' 'is pigeons. Then we meet up int' 'Oss n  Farria fer us drippin sarnies, or pie 'n peas-smasin thee arr. Then affta' ten or eleven pints we stagga 'ooam for ah bit o' t 'hows  ya f' ther!

It's become a bit o' err game now-I  gerr t' 'andcuffs aht' frem under t 'bed, then ah'  chains arr Bert t' bunk beds .

I allus mek sure ah 'as a tub o' swarfegeur next  t' bed-you nivva kna when thah meight need it!

I leeks intoa arr Berts eyes-lovely thah arr-all dark 'n blood shot-but still. Then ah runs uz fingers o'a 'is scalp-used ta av lush  'air did arr Bert bald as a cout nah thah'.

Wi play a bit o' romatic music to gerr us in't mood a bit of Frank Ifield singin ah rememba you-or summa' like'.

Then when 'e's deep breything or snoring I  teks' off 'is kegs off one  leg arra  time, then ah slowly unbuttons 'is shirt, mekin sure ah dern't cop any o't  wiff o t'. Yella bits on 'is armpits, then ah carefully creeps dahn t' stairs 'n stick all  'is clobba int' weshin machine.

Arr Bert  nos nah difference-thinks 'e's  bloody Don Juan  'e does!

50 shades of muck moar like.

Only Fools & Corpses.

By 'eck ah'm a lucky lass. Arr Bert has come up wi' a stunnin' plan. I reckon we'll be in't money this time next year.

E' dern't say much dun't Bert, but e's gorr 'is 'ead screwed an thah' nos. He allus been fond of old cars, he's 'ad loads of 'em in't past. Well 'e still has most of 'em dahn drive covered in old bedsheets. Well 'e were readin' though a magazine an saw that some daft apath is doin' funerals in a Morris Minor.

Only Fools & Corpses

 'E turned to me wi thi grin on 'is face, and said  thah's it thah's wor im gonna do-funerals in 't moggie. An ah'm gonna call it 'Only Fools and Corpses.' It needs a bit o' work on it like dos old banger, but its gonna be class. 

Ah'm taking booking's, so if thah no' anyone who wants to put thah name dahn for a class sendin off- when thi passes oeer, leave us a message on 'ere an arr Bert 'ill get back to ya. 

Dahn'ton Filey

Wiv 'ad a brilliant weekend as mi n 'arr Bert. Went 't Filey.  Nah bin they're sen I worra bairn. Smashin' place,  an' t's not changed arr' all.

T's a bit on't posh side fer mi 'n arr Bert leek, but still pub wah nice. U'st t' be a 'otel it wor. Kings n Queens used t' come fer they're summa 'olidays. Leeks a bit like 'Dahn'ton Abbey. Bonhommes it wor called, reite smashin'  boozer! and wi' only went an won t' pub quiz annal, a tenna t's not t' be sniffed at.

Only  thing wa' some body swine said wi wor cheetin ! cheeky aypaths! So wi' mite have 'had a quick look up on arr  Normas posh new aye phone, on was 't called, oh aye  t'nternet. 

 T's   only ten bob a week on 't weekly neva neva  it wor, an it das allsorts!  even leeks up  pub quiz questions- an' tells ya where ya 'arr, an wot time t's in Khanader! bloody clever stuff all that aint it! 

Thah wor  no need t' be so nasty abaht it'  A reite cheeky cheeky swine he wor!   Seyin he copped us cheetin'. Arr bert giv 'im a quick belt round t'ear leek.

 Wi gave 'em their tenna back annal, sod 'em.

We took Gran'bairns on t' sands bless 'em. Gorr' em a bucket n' t' spade but it wor' a bit on 't cold side fer all that.

Aye a reite smashin' day it wor.

'Ad to laff tho' arr Bert must 'a thought it wor Christmas arr summat, as he tried to grope mi when I gorr 'ome. I soon purrra  stop t 'is shenanigans. 

'Aye I told 'im straight.

'Gerr off ya dirty git.

 He soon took t' 'uff then.




 

50 Shades O' Lard.

Well ah dern't t no  worr ' orl t' fuss is abaht!  Ah just finished readin 'a' mucky book-an' all ah cah'n sey is' thah's affin' a laff!  Me 'n arr Bert gerr up't sem  thing everee Saturday neite.

Saturday wi goes off ta bingo wi' uz mates, (just afta we finished watchin' Jezzeur omnibus) then arr  Bert sees t' 'is pigeons. Then we meet up int' 'Oss n  Farria fer us drippin sarnies, or pie 'n peas-smasin thee arr. Then affta' ten or eleven pints we stagga 'ooam for ah bit o' t 'hows  ya f' ther!

It's become a bit o' err game now-I  gerr t' 'andcuffs aht' frem under t 'bed, then ah'  chains arr Bert t' bunk beds .

I allus mek sure ah 'as a tub o' swarfegeur next  t' bed-you nivva kna when thah meight need it!

I leeks intoa arr Berts eyes-lovely thah arr-all dark 'n blood shot-but still. Then ah runs uz fingers o'a 'is scalp-used ta av lush  'air did arr Bert bald as a cout nah thah'.

Wi play a bit o' romatic music to gerr us in't mood a bit of Frank Ifield singin ah rememba you-or summa' like'.

Then when 'e's deep breything or snoring I  teks' off 'is kegs off one  leg arra  time, then ah slowly unbuttons 'is shirt, mekin sure ah dern't cop any o't  wiff o t'. Yella bits on 'is armpits, then ah carefully creeps dahn t' stairs 'n stick all  'is clobba int' weshin machine.

Arr Bert  nos nah difference-thinks 'e's  bloody Don Juan  'e does!

50 shades of muck moar like.

'Ol Tahn Music 'All.

Arr Bert ,misses watchin owd tarn music 'all on telly. Loved watchin  Andrew Sachs, bangin 'is bray daahn ,in t'big city owd variety sha. sayin, ’ orda, orda. ah cannot beleev 'a' 'e wor manuel’s dad i' real life, theur norrz t' 'un fra fawlty towers.’im fra barcelona’, used ta crack uz up li' mad 'a', sa menny funny sketches, li' t' ‘siberian 'amster’, which wor eur ra', well good. an' orl 'em fowk dressed up i' owd fashion frock, wi' 'ats wi' flowers on. t' men orl wi' bowlers 'n whiskers, orl authentic. loved ten ton Tessie O’sheeur, shi wor well good 

'n then theear wor burlington bertie fra ba, whereva 'a' is, somewheear daahn sahth ah guess, still wantin ta cum teur t' north orl 'em years agoa. nowt changes does it.

A Southern Translation.

Our bert misses watching old town music hall ohn tv. loved watching andrew sachs, banging his hammah down ,in leeds old vaaariety shoh. saying, ’ ordah, ordah. one cannot believe that he was manuel’s daddy in real life, you, one's old bean, knoh the one mwah mwah sweetie fawlty towers.’im mwah mwah sweetie baaarcelona’, used to crack myself up fancy baaarmy that, soh many hilaaaarrious sketches, fancy the ‘siberian hamster’, which was ah rat, truly spiffing. and all them folk dressed up in old fashiohn dress, with hats with flowers ohn. the men all with bowlers and whiskers, all authentic. loved ten tohn tessie o’sheah, she was truly spiffing , and then there was burlingtohn bertie mwah mwah sweetie boh, wherevah that is, somewhere down south one guess, still wanting to come to the north all them yeaaars agoh. bally all changes does it. Absolutely top hole - I have to say.