New 'Arr cut.

Time I 'ad mi Arr cut, after them dahnsizers, kept staring at mi barnett like I wor Ken Dodds love bairn or summat!

So I though't i'd ave a word w it' arr dresser dahn at Jane Hair's-Bloody Jane Hair's meks me laff-The bloody Bronte woman only came to t' village once, nah thah's bloody shops all over t' place wi' Bronte name on-evn't bloody travel agent t's called Wuthering Flights-stupid 'ts all got nah.

Anyhow back to mi arr- need t' change t' style annall-a restyle-a 'bit like them folk frem t' south av their arr like, flared aht' at sides -some of 'em ' ave ther arr two colours-thought we'd ad an influx o' badgers wen I fast saw 'em-peed misenn laffin' I did.

Anyhow, I took plunge and went to Jane 'Arrs- a young lass it wor weshed mi arr an covered it in't conditioner smelt grand annall,  Nice lass she'd sin me in't 'oss n farrier' on a Friday nite. Laffed she did dernt nah why.

'Arr you 'avin' a do' she asked as she shuvved mi' ed upside dahn-nearly swall'd mi knashers she 'ad 'ands like bloody shovells. Started to blah dry mi arr she did runnin' her fingers through mi arr wit' force of an 'amster on rollerskates. Well wen shi finally let me av a luk- well she must 'av sin luk on mi face'

' I'll brush it a aht-mek it stick aht a bit better.'

Nah word of a lie it wor stuk out like that bloody Kanye bloke's missus's arse!

'Dah't worry,' she sed-'I'll be alreet-I'll pur rollers on'

So she stuck pur rollers in mi arr, an 'arr-net on mi 'ed n stuck mi under t' drier.

' Do yer look like a magazine' she holled' ' or shall I mek a brew'

Wor is it wi 'arr dressers why do they wait t'll you cahn't hear 'em before they talk to you?

Alfway thru reading abaht some shite in tek a break, mi 'ed started to burn, thort id best shout.

' It's too bloody wahrm under 'ere' tryin' to move bloody space-invader machine frem off mi 'ed.

'Can you cum n turn it dahn!'- no response- talking to one of them posh folk frem up't hill-sahned like she'd swalled a gob full of peppledash.

Nowt 'appened, hotter n hotter i wor gerrin' till lass came and gawped at mi.

'Yer almost done nah 'she sed'

'almost done,' she said

'I thowt ad' set on't fire- thawt you wah mekin a re run o't Jacko in't Pepsi advert.'

She took no notice, just blah dried mi arr aht a bit more,

'Stop faffin abhat will ya,' I said, losin' mi' patience.

'Der you want some lacquer on it' as she reached for t' bottle anyhow, a bottle o t' lacquer the size of an exocet bloody missile.

Mi 'edd wah soar wi all 'fussin, as I lukked in't mirror -

Nah bloody wahnder, they called it Jane Arr's I lukked like I'd just bin dragged frem a wutherin' height. Or a badgers back side.

Wor a waste o money mi arr lukked better  afoar I started.

Apples & Pears

Does thi nah’ I’m a bit niffed.

Me an arr Norah went t’ ‘oss n farrier for a couple o’ pints last nite and got stuck wi’ a couple of ‘em dahnsizers-nah I’m sorry but they all talk bollocks-din’t understand a bloody word they wor sayin’. Like bin in a bloody zoo it wah!

Lucinda n Piers thah wor called- nah what sort o’ names are them? -peein’ missen  laffin I wah.

Thought wi’d mek a bit of ‘n effort like so asked ‘em if thah’d settled int’ neighbourhood alreet-Well thi started gerrin a bit saucy  did’ t bloke kept askin’ mi if I’d like to go see ‘is ‘Arse’

                ‘Nah why do I wanna see your Arse I sed t’him-daft’sod if I wanna see an arse I’ve gor arr Bert’s arse at ome’.

Nah mam sed arr Norma, who reckons shi’s a bit smart like-He means house mam-do you want to go see his house.

Sem sort o’ perv if ya ask mi-Arse indeed-then he wor askin mi if, I’d bin dah’n ‘t smoke to see baked bean?

                ‘The Queen mam, have you been to London to see the Queen?'Smart ass is arr Norma-you’d nah think shi wor one o’mine

‘I think blokes bin smoking summat funny or bin on’t loopey juice arr summat’ putting ‘er in ‘er place. 

' Come dahn frem smoke and mek no bloody effort t’ fit in-!'

 ‘Ah look at your boat race,’ woman shouted at mi-‘Are you brahms and list’.

‘Yes she’s Elephant’s trunk,' sniggered bloke. Well I’d ‘ad abaht enuff of this like-thort I was on another planet.

‘Come on Norma-grabbin’ her by t’ arm wir off I’m not sittin’ wi folk thah’ mek no bloody sense.

‘Nice to meet you-my china plate’ they shouted as we left-I just shook my ‘ed. Bloody go to foot of arr stairs ‘ what’s the world coming to 

'Mate mam, he meant mate.' Norma sighed.

Bradford City.

Well bye eck, arr lads have shown that suth’n  team  Chelsea how ‘t play ft’ball. Ahr Bert carn’t believe it. 2 bloody 4 wat score-Smashin’ result.

Tha’ll all have thr ‘edds dahn in't tahn will them frem ‘t smoke as they walk round than wi’ thr wax jackets and black labs-2-4 He he he. Tha’ll be proer maungie this mornin’ will’t dahn’sizers.

Had a bet on annall did ahr Bert won some dosh-so that’s me sorted wi’ a new frock fer mi ‘ollidays. Gonna go of somewhere f’t weekend somewhere nice like Brid or Filey, maybe gerr a caravan or digs. As t’be in Yorkshire,  as we ain’t forgot 'Wahrs o' t'

Roases so Blackpool’s a no go. Suppose times come ter i' peace wi thir neighbours I mean ooeer seas nor bloody Lankishire.

Anyway, off dahn town nah, t’ annoy them suth'n- fowk-

Bradford City, Bradford City.

Pablo Escabar works in Primark

                               norr exactly Pablo Escabar wah 'e


Ow do-

Well I'll go t' foot of arr stairs-been yonks since I wrote owt on 'err. I 'ave been too busy graftin.' Aye got myssen a job at Primark-It's not fantastic but it keeps me in tanfastic an arr Bert in Pigeon food, 'ees saving up fer a new ferrett anall, as he clumped last un, as it went wrong way dahn 'is kegs an nearly bit off his crown jewels, well it' wont ave 'ad to chew reet 'ard rusty is bits arr to say 't least.

Primark, its nowt special, started tekin' giros they 'ave nah, gone dahn a treat annal-mind ya they 'ave 'ad to stock more change like, only so much stuff ya can buy from Primark with a twenty pound giro-even if it dah's come in fourteen carrier bags.

T'gaffers alrite-a bit odd like but thah's nowt wrong wi 'him really-a bit of a shady past but ant wi all-a bit of a Lance Armstrong-ya knowworra I mean, like 'im wi'drugs'-dern't think 'e got caught tha used to sell 'em rahn back o't market-bought 'imself a car wi' it 'e did-a morris minor smashin' car.-Thought i dern't remember 'im he did wen I came f't interview, but 'e soon did wen I showed' 'im pics of 'im an arr Norma in't back of't Morris Minor- smoking like a mexican bandit, 'e soon remembered then though-daft sod-I wah reet chuffed-got myssen a job and 'e got me to keep mi trap shut-well fer nah.

Tha's a few scruffy sods work 'ere annal-I've seen pigeons more hygenic than some of 'em pong t' place aht, and some of 'em you cahn't see 'em at all got them black veils on you need 'piss'n x ray specks to get a response from 'em darf vader I call 'em, like makin' a conversation with a pengiuin's arse-still it's what they believe in up t' them I suppose.

Still gerrin' all them dahnzizers in -thinkin' there in 'arvey pricks or worra' eva tha' call that posh shop.Cahn't understand a blood word they say-In they come askin' if they do stuff in different colours-I take no crap- tell 'em straight I do.
`No we fookin dern't its fookin Primark for Foots sake-it's all shite-different coulours my arse-if you cahn't see it on 't shelf we an't gorr it-god they are so bloody demanding.! 

One o 'em turned thah nose up at me mate Shell-came in fer a quick natta-gorra a bit of a drink problem she 'as -but 'she cah'nt 'elp it-as t' 'ave a bottle in her bag at all times-'tried t' 'elp 'err loads o times-even bought 'er a copy of Amy Winehouse Rehab-still did na' bloody good-Still no need t' turn ya nose up like them 'oorays do. 'Excooose me young lady-one of 'em yells wen she can see I wah talkin to mi mate-needs t' go to fooking Specsavers if ya ask me-' That woman you are talking to is drinking in public,' Well blow mi over wi' a feather-wah if she is I told 'err-anyhow she aint' in public she sticks 'er ed in' t carrier bag t' pour it an, she's gorra cup.'-stuck up swine.

Annhow t'gaffer came sniffin' round soon scappered though when I started whistling Lois Armstrong-an flashin pictures of 'is Morris Minor abaht wi' im an arr Norma smoking weed in't back o' it like a fookin' 'errin factory- he wah off quicker than' a fat kid chasin' mr Wippy he wah-thick sod!

Yorkshire Airlines

Does thah no-wha' a set o numpties there are at Yeadon Airport (Leeds Bradford International Airport) wun't let mi tek mi pidgeon on board't plane. Off t 'Benidorm fer't week wah-mi n arr Bert.

Trouble started as sen as wi got there.
'Alrite love,' said attendn't with a face so colourful leeked like she'd painted it 'er sen with  wax crayons.

'Ave you got yer boarding card, she mouthed, makin' t sign of a card with her 'and as if we wah dense'

'Ya can't tek that,' she sed, pointing t' box wi't pidgeon init.

'Wassup wi' it we're off pidgeon racing?' sed arr Bert-

'T's mi prize bird,well sept fer her like,' he sed, digging me in't ribs.

'Daft aypath,'

'Well she were 'avin' none of it, wah Rosie flight attendent,'

'It's not coming on 'ere, its a danger t' other passengers!'

Well that were it, we had to let her go. Still wi a bit o look she'll find err sen in Benidorm for we are. Can fly like clappers that bird. 

Served grand bangers an' mash on't flight on all-Roll on Benidorm, we'll teach them Spanish lot a thing or to.Cos If there not frem Yorkshire they'll be stupido.

50 shades of Thick As Pig Shit.

Nah-me mate Shaz is as thick as pigshit-she is in a band with her best mate cum girlfriend-and they call 'emselves Shaz & Mave. Only call 'emselves that to please all 't downsizers-thought they would do some tribute songs-of Chaz & Dave, mek's 'em feel at 'ome like.

They are playin' at local tonite, Ah'm looking forward to it-I reckon it's gunna be a good un. Landlord's even purrin some scran on-jellied 'eels for t' southerners, an tripe n onions for us propa fowk.Thought it might bring t' village together-if you know worr I mean.

She's a bit on t' thick side is Shaz, browt up wi' nowt she wor-still she's tryin 'ard to mek summat of 'er sen.

I said to 'er what do you reckon to 50 shades of grey?'

'What do I want to look at paint chips fer? ' she said.

Thought it wor a Dulux colour chart- daft cow. I ask ya.

50 Shades of muck more Like.

Well ah dern't t no  worr ' orl t' fuss is abaht!  Ah just finished readin 'a' mucky book-an' all ah cah'n sey is' thah's affin' a laff!  Me 'n arr Bert gerr up't sem  thing everee Saturday neite.

Saturday wi goes off ta bingo wi' uz mates, (just afta we finished watchin' Jezzeur omnibus) then arr  Bert sees t' 'is pigeons. Then we meet up int' 'Oss n  Farria fer us drippin sarnies, or pie 'n peas-smasin thee arr. Then affta' ten or eleven pints we stagga 'ooam for ah bit o' t 'hows  ya f' ther!

It's become a bit o' err game now-I  gerr t' 'andcuffs aht' frem under t 'bed, then ah'  chains arr Bert t' bunk beds .

I allus mek sure ah 'as a tub o' swarfegeur next  t' bed-you nivva kna when thah meight need it!

I leeks intoa arr Berts eyes-lovely thah arr-all dark 'n blood shot-but still. Then ah runs uz fingers o'a 'is scalp-used ta av lush  'air did arr Bert bald as a cout nah thah'.

Wi play a bit o' romatic music to gerr us in't mood a bit of Frank Ifield singin ah rememba you-or summa' like'.

Then when 'e's deep breything or snoring I  teks' off 'is kegs off one  leg arra  time, then ah slowly unbuttons 'is shirt, mekin sure ah dern't cop any o't  wiff o t'. Yella bits on 'is armpits, then ah carefully creeps dahn t' stairs 'n stick all  'is clobba int' weshin machine.

Arr Bert  nos nah difference-thinks 'e's  bloody Don Juan  'e does!

50 shades of muck moar like.