50 Shades O' Lard.

Well ah dern't t no  worr ' orl t' fuss is abaht!  Ah just finished readin 'a' mucky book-an' all ah cah'n sey is' thah's affin' a laff!  Me 'n arr Bert gerr up't sem  thing everee Saturday neite.

Saturday wi goes off ta bingo wi' uz mates, (just afta we finished watchin' Jezzeur omnibus) then arr  Bert sees t' 'is pigeons. Then we meet up int' 'Oss n  Farria fer us drippin sarnies, or pie 'n peas-smasin thee arr. Then affta' ten or eleven pints we stagga 'ooam for ah bit o' t 'hows  ya f' ther!

It's become a bit o' err game now-I  gerr t' 'andcuffs aht' frem under t 'bed, then ah'  chains arr Bert t' bunk beds .

I allus mek sure ah 'as a tub o' swarfegeur next  t' bed-you nivva kna when thah meight need it!

I leeks intoa arr Berts eyes-lovely thah arr-all dark 'n blood shot-but still. Then ah runs uz fingers o'a 'is scalp-used ta av lush  'air did arr Bert bald as a cout nah thah'.

Wi play a bit o' romatic music to gerr us in't mood a bit of Frank Ifield singin ah rememba you-or summa' like'.

Then when 'e's deep breything or snoring I  teks' off 'is kegs off one  leg arra  time, then ah slowly unbuttons 'is shirt, mekin sure ah dern't cop any o't  wiff o t'. Yella bits on 'is armpits, then ah carefully creeps dahn t' stairs 'n stick all  'is clobba int' weshin machine.

Arr Bert  nos nah difference-thinks 'e's  bloody Don Juan  'e does!

50 shades of muck moar like.

'Ol Tahn Music 'All.

Arr Bert ,misses watchin owd tarn music 'all on telly. Loved watchin  Andrew Sachs, bangin 'is bray daahn ,in t'big city owd variety sha. sayin, ’ orda, orda. ah cannot beleev 'a' 'e wor manuel’s dad i' real life, theur norrz t' 'un fra fawlty towers.’im fra barcelona’, used ta crack uz up li' mad 'a', sa menny funny sketches, li' t' ‘siberian 'amster’, which wor eur ra', well good. an' orl 'em fowk dressed up i' owd fashion frock, wi' 'ats wi' flowers on. t' men orl wi' bowlers 'n whiskers, orl authentic. loved ten ton Tessie O’sheeur, shi wor well good 

'n then theear wor burlington bertie fra ba, whereva 'a' is, somewheear daahn sahth ah guess, still wantin ta cum teur t' north orl 'em years agoa. nowt changes does it.

A Southern Translation.

Our bert misses watching old town music hall ohn tv. loved watching andrew sachs, banging his hammah down ,in leeds old vaaariety shoh. saying, ’ ordah, ordah. one cannot believe that he was manuel’s daddy in real life, you, one's old bean, knoh the one mwah mwah sweetie fawlty towers.’im mwah mwah sweetie baaarcelona’, used to crack myself up fancy baaarmy that, soh many hilaaaarrious sketches, fancy the ‘siberian hamster’, which was ah rat, truly spiffing. and all them folk dressed up in old fashiohn dress, with hats with flowers ohn. the men all with bowlers and whiskers, all authentic. loved ten tohn tessie o’sheah, she was truly spiffing , and then there was burlingtohn bertie mwah mwah sweetie boh, wherevah that is, somewhere down south one guess, still wanting to come to the north all them yeaaars agoh. bally all changes does it. Absolutely top hole - I have to say.

Hotter than Rio.

Well arr Berts sittin' in 't deckchair looking like a reite wally, gorra a bloody notted'anky on his head,  string vest 'n shorts on 'e luks eur real pratt will lek  li' mr blobby if 'e sits ahtside much longa.A' least i' 'ed t' sense ta cova uz bingoa wings 'n varicose veins up, thee remin' uz o' 'em awful blue vein tiles we 'ed i' wee bathroa a bairn.


We can't rememba t' last tahhm it wor dis mafted i' octoba, reminds uz o' when we wor kids lyin' on t' midden 'em mam gerrin eur family bowl o' ice cream for tea. Eeee thm' wah' days.

A translation for people with black dogs, wellies & 4x4s


Well aaarr berts sittin' in 't deckchaair loohking fancy ah reite wally, gorrah ah bloohming notted'anky ohn his head, string vest 'n shorts ohn 'e luks eur real pratt will lek li' mr blobby if 'e sits ahtside much longah.


a' least i' 'ed t' sense tah covah uz bingoah wings 'n vaaaricose veins up, thee remin' uz o' 'em rahthah unfortunate blue vein tiles we 'ed i' slash bahthroah ah bairn.


We can't remembah t' last tahhm it wor dis mafted i' octobah, reminds uz o' when we wor kids,lyin ont' midden , 'em mam gerrin eur family bowl o' ice cream for teah. eeee thm' wah' days. 


Absolutely top hole - I have to say.

Summa 'ollidays

Thah's nowt mi n arr bert loves doin betta than jantin off on arr summa 'ollidays.t'sun's lazin dahn o't sky aye smashin' cah'nt bea' it. we're off ta arr favouri' spot Filey, thah'll 'ev eeard o't inbetween scarboro' n Whitbee, ah'bit li' Brid wi 'o'levels, arr bert likes t'say.

Thah's onny 'un thin 'a' spolis it, seagulls, bloody things are everywheear,pinchin thy chips or sweepin daahn on theur, fasta than t' parparazi on eur story.

 Still sem it is Filey,not changed sin ah wor eur bairn,i rememba singin ont' talent contest a' sun lounge, Ken Goodwin used ta laik theear everee summa.Then theear wor sunshine corna ont' beach, eur travellin religous group, 'a' getten orl t' kids singin,an' gran' owd punch & judy bloke used ta be theear near cobble landin smashin it wor, Bert sez 'e remembers piretts ,some blokes dressin upn as clowns,but ii think 'e's just showin 'is age,befooar 'is tahhm if theur ax uz.

Ah doa rememba mi mam takin us ta gran' pictures ta see soun' o' music,must av seen it 5 times,still theear wor not much else ta doa i' filey when it rehns,still int bur its eur reeight special place is filey, gran' it is


We allus leek forrad ta comin,cannot 'od on while next year when we can cum agin.   
  

The only way is Yorkshire.

Bairn Training.

Toay is t' fust day o' t' rest o' thy life. Ah sez callin ta uz grandchildren,'it is reeight important 'a' theur fettle 'ard a' school, 'n listen ta thy teacha,noa messin abaht i' class.   We want theur ta gerr yourselves propa jobs, 'n not en' up on 'a' bloody jeremy kyle sha, moanin abaht 'a t' world owes theur eur livin, 'n 'a theur cannot gerr yursen art o' bed i' eur mornin.'theear are neya jobs thesedays' sez wee our Max wi' 'is gurt een 'a' allus warmed 'is grandmas 'eart, o' course theear are, theear are jobs int' bookies, daahn a' t' pub, 'n even a' t' chippy, ah dooant want theur gerrin enny daft ideas abaht wukkin daahn sahth or movin fra Yorksha, orl 'em downsizers kids dads av ta fettle away, wukkin int' city o' writin for newspapers, we want theur ta gerr eur propa job lad.

Neya we want theur ta earn um propa brass sa theur can pur scran on thy table, 'n av eur few 'ob gallock for eur couple o' beers on eur neet, 'n 'appen even gerr yursen eur sky dish or 'un o' 'em x box games.

Think on lad dooant ivva foarget thy fra Yorksha, 'n theur roots arr 'ere, thi dooant av wellie wangin, or ferret racin, or pigeon fancyin anywheear else bur 'eear, and do ya not foarget it, naw thst's thy lesson for today, naw lets av eur brew 'n switch telly on jeremy kyle's on i' eur minute.
An tek 'a' gormless leek o' thy fyass, or ahl av thy guts for garters.


Tyke in the midst would like to say a few words.

I have been asked to provide a quick translation, for the people outside Yorkshire, who apparantley do not understand anything I write. So here goes.

Wok haaard at schoohl and listen to your teachah. you, one's old bean, fancy ah spiffing job in the city just like deaaar old papah, or writing for ah newspapah like your  muhthah.You, one's old bean, hairlairh dane't fancy to end up working in ah fish & chip retail outlet, or welly wanging, not like the northerners. Goodness me!

 

.

The Idle Working Man.

Just 'ad a reight laff 'av mi n arr Bert. We were off dahn t' road fer a quick half, when we saw this group of hooray's lakin' art-side workin' man's club, chucklin' n chunterin' to 'em selfs thi wah. I thowt yan of 'em wah gonna give birth, she wah chucklin' that bloody much.

We could hear 'em saying.

'Henry look at this sign, Idle working man's club ha ha ha,' It's just splendid, 'Oh Pippa, yes it's simply wonderful! wait till we post this on twitter my followers will find it absolootley amazing.' Daft aypaths. 

Well mi n arr Bert almost wet arr' sens laffin' Yud think they'd nivver sin a club afooar.

Funny tho' Idle workin' man known all over t' world, gets request for members frem, as far away as Kanadher!  

'Excuse me', she said to mi 'are you a local? it musta bin mi clogs that gave it away, or arr Bert 'ad left a ferrit danglin 'dahn his kegs.'

'Aye lass born n bread.' I repled with pride. Can you tell me anything about the origins of this club-anything about its history? she said with an accent which sounded like shi wah chewin' a wasp'

'I would simply love to tell my chums about it' Well that wor it, fell abhat laughing did mi an arr Bert

'It's a drinking oil love' dis thah nor 'ave 'em in t' smoke.

'Well yes', she said, but they are much more baroque, more brewer's fayre'.She cudda tell by smirk on mi face, tharr I wernt too impressed.

'Forgive me,' she said looking dahn her nose, I don't suppose you understand what baroque is?

Well that wah it then, 'of course I bloody do!' I said, not 'appy, 'he's president of United States!

 I dunno, think we know nowt dah southerners.