50 shades of Thick As Pig Shit.

Nah-me mate Shaz is as thick as pigshit-she is in a band with her best mate cum girlfriend-and they call 'emselves Shaz & Mave. Only call 'emselves that to please all 't downsizers-thought they would do some tribute songs-of Chaz & Dave, mek's 'em feel at 'ome like.

They are playin' at local tonite, Ah'm looking forward to it-I reckon it's gunna be a good un. Landlord's even purrin some scran on-jellied 'eels for t' southerners, an tripe n onions for us propa fowk.Thought it might bring t' village together-if you know worr I mean.

She's a bit on t' thick side is Shaz, browt up wi' nowt she wor-still she's tryin 'ard to mek summat of 'er sen.

I said to 'er what do you reckon to 50 shades of grey?'

'What do I want to look at paint chips fer? ' she said.

Thought it wor a Dulux colour chart- daft cow. I ask ya.

50 Shades of muck more Like.

Well ah dern't t no  worr ' orl t' fuss is abaht!  Ah just finished readin 'a' mucky book-an' all ah cah'n sey is' thah's affin' a laff!  Me 'n arr Bert gerr up't sem  thing everee Saturday neite.

Saturday wi goes off ta bingo wi' uz mates, (just afta we finished watchin' Jezzeur omnibus) then arr  Bert sees t' 'is pigeons. Then we meet up int' 'Oss n  Farria fer us drippin sarnies, or pie 'n peas-smasin thee arr. Then affta' ten or eleven pints we stagga 'ooam for ah bit o' t 'hows  ya f' ther!

It's become a bit o' err game now-I  gerr t' 'andcuffs aht' frem under t 'bed, then ah'  chains arr Bert t' bunk beds .

I allus mek sure ah 'as a tub o' swarfegeur next  t' bed-you nivva kna when thah meight need it!

I leeks intoa arr Berts eyes-lovely thah arr-all dark 'n blood shot-but still. Then ah runs uz fingers o'a 'is scalp-used ta av lush  'air did arr Bert bald as a cout nah thah'.

Wi play a bit o' romatic music to gerr us in't mood a bit of Frank Ifield singin ah rememba you-or summa' like'.

Then when 'e's deep breything or snoring I  teks' off 'is kegs off one  leg arra  time, then ah slowly unbuttons 'is shirt, mekin sure ah dern't cop any o't  wiff o t'. Yella bits on 'is armpits, then ah carefully creeps dahn t' stairs 'n stick all  'is clobba int' weshin machine.

Arr Bert  nos nah difference-thinks 'e's  bloody Don Juan  'e does!

50 shades of muck moar like.

Only Fools & Corpses.

By 'eck ah'm a lucky lass. Arr Bert has come up wi' a stunnin' plan. I reckon we'll be in't money this time next year.

E' dern't say much dun't Bert, but e's gorr 'is 'ead screwed an thah' nos. He allus been fond of old cars, he's 'ad loads of 'em in't past. Well 'e still has most of 'em dahn drive covered in old bedsheets. Well 'e were readin' though a magazine an saw that some daft apath is doin' funerals in a Morris Minor.

Only Fools & Corpses

 'E turned to me wi thi grin on 'is face, and said  thah's it thah's wor im gonna do-funerals in 't moggie. An ah'm gonna call it 'Only Fools and Corpses.' It needs a bit o' work on it like dos old banger, but its gonna be class. 

Ah'm taking booking's, so if thah no' anyone who wants to put thah name dahn for a class sendin off- when thi passes oeer, leave us a message on 'ere an arr Bert 'ill get back to ya.