Aye thah love's thi grub.

'Oss & Farrier- will be in there shortly.

Daft stuff Folk do in Yorkshire

A couple of things you need to know in Yorkshire if visiting' t Doctor or 't Chemist

Thah's one good thing abaht livin' in God's own country-and that is everyon is as mad as a box o' frogs. Mi an arr Bert wah walking around tahn and came across some signs plastered all oeer t' walls-I rest mi case as Judge Joody would sey!

Nah I know folk round 'ere arr a bit dense but a bloody wall?


Then thah's this one.

This is where mi best mate Norma lives-salt o' thi earth shi is-but slack well shi cahn't 'elp it-shi wor a deprived child.

An this wor on't door of Oss n Farrier-come on gerr your keks on-wi need some ale!

Yorkshire Day

Yorkshire Day.

New 'Arr cut.

Time I 'ad mi Arr cut, after them dahnsizers, kept staring at mi barnett like I wor Ken Dodds love bairn or summat!

So I though't i'd ave a word w it' arr dresser dahn at Jane Hair's-Bloody Jane Hair's meks me laff-The bloody Bronte woman only came to t' village once, nah thah's bloody shops all over t' place wi' Bronte name on-evn't bloody travel agent t's called Wuthering Flights-stupid 'ts all got nah.

Anyhow back to mi arr- need t' change t' style annall-a restyle-a 'bit like them folk frem t' south av their arr like, flared aht' at sides -some of 'em ' ave ther arr two colours-thought we'd ad an influx o' badgers wen I fast saw 'em-peed misenn laffin' I did.

Anyhow, I took plunge and went to Jane 'Arrs- a young lass it wor weshed mi arr an covered it in't conditioner smelt grand annall,  Nice lass she'd sin me in't 'oss n farrier' on a Friday nite. Laffed she did dernt nah why.

'Arr you 'avin' a do' she asked as she shuvved mi' ed upside dahn-nearly swall'd mi knashers she 'ad 'ands like bloody shovells. Started to blah dry mi arr she did runnin' her fingers through mi arr wit' force of an 'amster on rollerskates. Well wen shi finally let me av a luk- well she must 'av sin luk on mi face'

' I'll brush it a aht-mek it stick aht a bit better.'

Nah word of a lie it wor stuk out like that bloody Kanye bloke's missus's arse!

'Dah't worry,' she sed-'I'll be alreet-I'll pur rollers on'

So she stuck pur rollers in mi arr, an 'arr-net on mi 'ed n stuck mi under t' drier.

' Do yer look like a magazine' she holled' ' or shall I mek a brew'

Wor is it wi 'arr dressers why do they wait t'll you cahn't hear 'em before they talk to you?

Alfway thru reading abaht some shite in tek a break, mi 'ed started to burn, thort id best shout.

' It's too bloody wahrm under 'ere' tryin' to move bloody space-invader machine frem off mi 'ed.

'Can you cum n turn it dahn!'- no response- talking to one of them posh folk frem up't hill-sahned like she'd swalled a gob full of peppledash.

Nowt 'appened, hotter n hotter i wor gerrin' till lass came and gawped at mi.

'Yer almost done nah 'she sed'

'almost done,' she said

'I thowt ad' set on't fire- thawt you wah mekin a re run o't Jacko in't Pepsi advert.'

She took no notice, just blah dried mi arr aht a bit more,

'Stop faffin abhat will ya,' I said, losin' mi' patience.

'Der you want some lacquer on it' as she reached for t' bottle anyhow, a bottle o t' lacquer the size of an exocet bloody missile.

Mi 'edd wah soar wi all 'fussin, as I lukked in't mirror -

Nah bloody wahnder, they called it Jane Arr's I lukked like I'd just bin dragged frem a wutherin' height. Or a badgers back side.

Wor a waste o money mi arr lukked better  afoar I started.

Apples & Pears

Does thi nah’ I’m a bit niffed.

Me an arr Norah went t’ ‘oss n farrier for a couple o’ pints last nite and got stuck wi’ a couple of ‘em dahnsizers-nah I’m sorry but they all talk bollocks-din’t understand a bloody word they wor sayin’. Like bin in a bloody zoo it wah!

Lucinda n Piers thah wor called- nah what sort o’ names are them? -peein’ missen  laffin I wah.

Thought wi’d mek a bit of ‘n effort like so asked ‘em if thah’d settled int’ neighbourhood alreet-Well thi started gerrin a bit saucy  did’ t bloke kept askin’ mi if I’d like to go see ‘is ‘Arse’

                ‘Nah why do I wanna see your Arse I sed t’him-daft’sod if I wanna see an arse I’ve gor arr Bert’s arse at ome’.

Nah mam sed arr Norma, who reckons shi’s a bit smart like-He means house mam-do you want to go see his house.

Sem sort o’ perv if ya ask mi-Arse indeed-then he wor askin mi if, I’d bin dah’n ‘t smoke to see baked bean?

                ‘The Queen mam, have you been to London to see the Queen?'Smart ass is arr Norma-you’d nah think shi wor one o’mine

‘I think blokes bin smoking summat funny or bin on’t loopey juice arr summat’ putting ‘er in ‘er place. 

' Come dahn frem smoke and mek no bloody effort t’ fit in-!'

 ‘Ah look at your boat race,’ woman shouted at mi-‘Are you brahms and list’.

‘Yes she’s Elephant’s trunk,' sniggered bloke. Well I’d ‘ad abaht enuff of this like-thort I was on another planet.

‘Come on Norma-grabbin’ her by t’ arm wir off I’m not sittin’ wi folk thah’ mek no bloody sense.

‘Nice to meet you-my china plate’ they shouted as we left-I just shook my ‘ed. Bloody go to foot of arr stairs ‘ what’s the world coming to 

'Mate mam, he meant mate.' Norma sighed.

Bradford City.

Well bye eck, arr lads have shown that suth’n  team  Chelsea how ‘t play ft’ball. Ahr Bert carn’t believe it. 2 bloody 4 wat score-Smashin’ result.

Tha’ll all have thr ‘edds dahn in't tahn will them frem ‘t smoke as they walk round than wi’ thr wax jackets and black labs-2-4 He he he. Tha’ll be proer maungie this mornin’ will’t dahn’sizers.

Had a bet on annall did ahr Bert won some dosh-so that’s me sorted wi’ a new frock fer mi ‘ollidays. Gonna go of somewhere f’t weekend somewhere nice like Brid or Filey, maybe gerr a caravan or digs. As t’be in Yorkshire,  as we ain’t forgot 'Wahrs o' t'

Roases so Blackpool’s a no go. Suppose times come ter i' peace wi thir neighbours I mean ooeer seas nor bloody Lankishire.

Anyway, off dahn town nah, t’ annoy them suth'n- fowk-

Bradford City, Bradford City.